It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. How should I respond? People use it for all sorts of reasons. 13 "It was so relaxing. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? I mountain bike every weekend! *Him: Hello, how are you? I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. So nowadays Ill say something like Im probably going to do [X], but thats not urgent if you want to hang out instead! or I need to do [X] but I have time for a quick dinner if youre interested. (People who are not the boything get oh, Ive got laundry because theres almost nobody else Im willing to make same-day plans with. 3. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. Great, Thanks for Asking. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. I shall think on why. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? Aunt: Good! Even if its only logistically. *In my case, Z has agreed to push the Ask her yourself button instead of passing messages along. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. 3. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. So I know what youre talking about. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. This is how I deal with it: friend: yep cool OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. Absolutely! If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. In ways that I doubt he even always notices. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. It never occurred to me to take this question literally. You can do it as far as you can. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. Saying no at that point feels rude, and yeah some people have reacted badly. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. They say hey, and you reply with the same. No other adult would be here. 21. I learned to say Ill see where the weekend takes me, which leaves me open to accept invitations if I want to or to decline to work on Sunday if I dont want to. 7. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. Him: What are your plans for the weekend? I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. These are my 2 best friends for over 20 years each! Sometimes we have plans that I can adjust if there is something she wants to do. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. )in a way that seems to be back firing. 2. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. This is how I feel too. Mentioning your actual plans is one. Rather than rushing to respond, taking the time to understand what they mean can improve the quality of your response. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? Trust issues and controlling family? How are you? My ILs do this. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. 14 "It was a riot! Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. 2. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Just looking for my phonehave you seen it? Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. ), its pure formula. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. More words, people, not less. LWs parent. She had already asked him. My Kid: No (shuts door again) LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. Source: Facebook. what are you doing?. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. Good luck! This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. What are the usual scripts? It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? what about this would a person take personally???? But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. 2. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. I still have the same question of why do this? To read all future answers to your comment, please bookmark this page. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". And Im totally ok with that. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. That is my current standard response. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. Them (if it was an invitation prequel) would Thursday at noon work for you?, Them We need to have lunch soon ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Spot on, thank you. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. Funny Responses To What Are You Doing Actively waiting for my problems to go away. Take care of your boundaries! Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? Indoor Cat raised some good points. [I often go in around lunch time.] I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode And suddenly many things became clear. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. because sometimes we have plans that cant change. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Oh, the usual, you? Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! Thats just the question it looks like. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". Thats the way to go. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). Flying in a rocket ship. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. 4. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? I dont know? If you have plans, just say so. No, it had just been earlier that very day. No.. I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! To contact our editors please use our contact form. One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? Im really only comfortable with this question in that context from very close friends who I can trust to react well to Thanks, but Im not really up for X. Otherwise, the question makes me feel that Im being manipulated into agreeing to something before I know what it is. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? What are you up to? hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. "See, I will finally make you smile.". And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) Texting or sending an email to someone. 4. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work.
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